What Will Happen Now?

I am having a serious personal moment...not sure if I would want to say these things out loud, but heck, it is my reality right now...

I am a single mom and my sons father is...well I don't know what he is right now.  He did not want my to have our son.  Mind you, I did understand him because this was not planned.  He came in the midst of undesirable drama and at times I wish I did not have him for those reasons.  I love and cherish every moment but when times do get tough, I wish I had waited but I know God is in the midst of it all.  So, about two weeks ago his father and I had an arguement in which we agreed to be separate but functional parent toward our son.  We had never really been together, but for the past year, it has been very hard for us to let go of many aspects of our so-called relationship.  We had been trying to get things in order for quite a while now, but quite honestly, the enemy, satan or demons, whatever you want to call them, saw fit for us to continue to go back and forth.  I feel like I am more to blame because I am the professed Christian girl, fornicating!!  I know that God is real and that Jesus Christ is Lord but I did not want to be considered too religious and fell for the okie doke!  Now that I am fighting hard to walk out my repentance and salvation, I keep falling and then I look stupid in the end.  It wasn't what I wanted.  This makes me think about when God was talking to Jeremiah and He said, "be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them!"  I was afraid to say no to him because I had been having sex with him all this time and I even managed a baby with him, why stop now?!  (Maybe because I do not want another baby; I don't want to argue like this anymore; I do not want anymore drama; I am tired of getting my feelings hurt; I MISS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!)  Everytime God would force me to stop and look at what I was doing and how it was hurting me and then I would feel stupid for what I was doing again.  I had been praying that God would help me not go back into this lifestyle...I knew that I did not have the ability to say no.  So for the past two weeks, he has not called or came by.  I am glad because any other time he would use our son as a reason to be in my face and then get what he wanted.  I am hurt and yes I wonder why but it has been an answer to my prayers.  I have had the time and space to focus on God; my son and me!  I do pray for him and I do hope that God changes him but I know that I cannot do it for him.  I thank God for letting me know that and right now I am standing still so that I can see the salvation of God...more to come!

God Willing!